I’ve always been good at intuitively knowing what others want and need. Yet, not so good at knowing my own needs and desires.
For the longest time I’d do whatever the other in the situation wanted to do without really knowing what I wanted. I’d agree with what the other was saying even though deep down I didn’t agree. This happened with family, friends, romantic relationships, and at work.
I had a deeply held fear that I was a bad person and unlovable if I upset someone or disagreed with them. So, I’d suppress my truth to maintain love and connection.
Over the years that lead to me feeling exhausted, resentful and as if I didn’t matter.
Once I recognized the pattern, I’d judge myself incessantly about it. I had the intellectual awareness that I didn’t want to just go along with things, but I hadn’t yet embodied the wisdom to make changes in the moment.
So, I found myself time and time again pleasing, not speaking up, going along to keep the peace.
Changing this pattern literally had me shaking at times. Speaking my truth and doing what I wanted even when it upset someone felt shameful, to the point where I felt I might die.
If you haven’t experienced this it may sound dramatic but that’s how deep this pattern was wired in my nervous system.
The last several years I’ve become much more understanding of why I have the pleaser pattern and much more loving toward myself.
People-pleasing, putting other’s needs before my own and having a hard time speaking up for myself might always be a pattern that I’m working to rewire. And yet, the rewiring is effective because every time I “work it” the pattern gets less and less automatic.
What I’ve found is that it takes radical self-compassion. I must love the part of me that initiates the pattern instead of judging it.
The more I’m connected to my true self in the present moment the better. If I know what I’m thinking, feeling, and needing I’m more likely to speak up for my needs and desires.
I’ve also come to reframe conflict in relationships as bad into an opportunity to strengthen the relationship.
When you speak your truth even when it’s inconvenient for the other, you invite them into a dialog that can build trust in each other. For a positive outcome the dialog must be compassionate, vulnerable and truthful. Leave blaming and shaming out of it.
Is sharing your wants, needs, and opinions difficult at work, in intimate relationship, or all areas of your life?
If you have a similar pattern of putting others needs first and feeling exhausted, here are my coaching questions for you:
- What are your needs and desires?
- Are those needs something you can provide for yourself or something you can ask someone to support you with?
- What are the benefits of putting others needs first? What do you get out of it?
When you begin to put yourself first also understand it doesn’t mean you don’t support other people. It means that you can choose to help others because you want to, not because you feel you have to. You get to choose and that’s more empowering.
This pattern is not something to be ashamed of. This is something that you likely developed as a child before you were able to make an informed decision about how to be in the world. As an adult your job is to rewire the inner beliefs that keep you stuck into beliefs that support your authentic life.
